December 24th. Christmas Eve.
What a beautiful day. The rain, the cold, people shopping and traveling. Many faces I see daily — smiles and some content, some sad and some glad.
I walk in seriousness most of the time, but if I meet the gaze of another, I will return them a warm felt smile. All genuine.
Smiling is a universal language, I think, and I believe we all understand it. To me, my smile says: I’m happy, loving, kind, understanding, compassionate, and accepting — not only of me but of you, just as you are. You are safe, and we can talk openly or strictly, whatever you feel.
I think the smile and the spark in one’s eyes says a lot and is indeed a wonderful exchange.
Today, my day has been good to me. I have thought and written many new goals. I have corrected myself I don’t know how many times when my thoughts go adrift. I have also let my thoughts be sometimes, as I’m experimenting with not suppressing any thought. I don’t have to accept it — just observe it, filter, and keep moving.
Last year around this time, I was in a low place. I was in a shelter. I didn’t celebrate or visit family. I didn’t reach out to anyone. I was going through hard times — worried about food, warmth, money, and safety. I wasn’t well, but I kept going.
The hardest part about that time was not my circumstance but my environment, which was difficult. Combined with all on my mind, it was more so a mental war waging daily and hourly.
I fought and still held my core values: integrity, honesty, kindness, discipline, and perseverance.
I have overcome so much. Only my Father knows.
This time around, I have so much to be grateful and thankful for: a roof over my head, a job, food, money, health, a bed, books… I could go on and on because I’m really grateful for these things.
I know what it is like to have nothing but a duffle bag of clothes, a few pictures, some books, some pens, and a pad.
I learned hard lessons in those times, but I’m grateful even for the lessons. Why, you might ask? Because they taught me to take care of all that I have, to be resourceful, to budget and manage the little money I had. It taught me many, many things.
I can’t say I would be the person I am if those events didn’t happen. Hard times don’t last always, but you have to do something. I didn’t cross my fingers or leave it to chance. Even then I was a doer — I just didn’t notice it then.
I’ve always had all that I need. It’s always been inside of me.
I am really thankful for life, thankful to write, thankful to share. Things change and people change, as they should. I’m grateful every day I get to work towards my goals. I look forward to the work. I look forward to the growth.
This Christmas Eve, I’m better — truly, mentally and physically, I’m better. I have so much to be grateful for.
I wish you a Merry Christmas. If you’re reading this now, I’m thankful for you too.
If it’s to be, it’s up to me.